That’s what she said: Playing therapist not worth it

September 29, 2008 by April Corbin 

Being a friend often means being a therapist– listening to friends’ problems, attempting to guide them toward rational decisions and handing over the tissue (and a quart of ice cream) when necessary. Most of us don’t mind being ‘there’ for our friends in need. However, dealing with a friend who doesn’t heed your advice can be a little tricky.

Remember that “no news is good news.”

When it comes to other people’s relationships, you don’t always see the big picture. Most people don’t want to brag about how awesome their relationship is. (For this, the single among us are grateful.) Therefore, they tend to only consult their friends when bad things happen. The “why is my boyfriend such a jerk?” text messages at 3 a.m. break up the general happiness, not the other way around.

If you find yourself scratching your head upon hearing the news that your friend has decided to stay with the boyfriend she seems to have been fighting with for weeks, remember that it’s probably because the majority of the time the couple is happy. You just saw the highlight reel of bad moments.

With this in mind, you should bite your tongue before suggesting a friend do something harsh. Unless your friend is already contemplating breaking up with her boyfriend, you shouldn’t mention the words yourself. Similarly, stay away from the low-blow name-calling that your friend might be spewing quite liberally.

Especially avoid statements such as, “I’ve always known he wasn’t worth your time.” Commenting on the current situation is expected. However, backtracking and generalizing your friend’s entire relationship with someone isn’t going to register well. After all, chances are your friend started dating that person because he made her happy.

You shouldn’t downplay that. Instead, focus on what has since changed and why. Work with your friend to find out how the relationship can be fixed. If they admit the relationship is beyond repair, be supportive and understanding.

While doing so might not be as a fun as engaging in mudslinging and using every profane word you know, it will save you trouble in the long run. Because if you do call him names and wind up suggesting she breaks up with her boyfriend, and she decides not to leave him, you run the risk of becoming the friend who doesn’t like her boyfriend. She may resent you for it, believing that her verbal attacks on the ex are justified while yours weren’t. She may not understand that you were simply taking her lead. If she doesn’t outright resent you for it, she may still be more hesitant to talk to you about future spats with the boyfriend.

Even worse, if he gets word of extreme comments being made on your end, hanging out with him and your friend may become incredibly awkward. As much as people would like to believe the motto “bros before hoes,” in reality you shouldn’t bet on that being the case.

Avoiding such awkward situations by remaining calm when playing therapist to your friend’s fights is the best thing to do.

That’s What She Said is a column about sex, relationships and everything in between. It appears in every-other Monday issue of The Rebel Yell.