FROM THE TOP ROPE: America, WWE unite with ‘England sucks’ sentiment

November 20, 2008 by Sharief Ali 

It’s so easy for everyone to criticize American society.

Sure, there are some things wrong with us, but if we are looking to fix societal ills, to whom do we look? Should we be looking to ourselves to fix our own problems? 

No. 

We must look to the WWE. 

Before I watched “Raw” last Monday, I was contemplating who would be best suited to help America address its societal woes.  Then the answer found me. 

I cannot think of any race of people more fit to tell us how to live in a good way more than the English.  After all, they did beat us in the first two revolutionary wars and the world war. 

Then after he appeared on screen I thought that maybe the perfect Englishman to help us address our woes is none other than British strong man and new intercontinental champion Sir William Regal.

Last Monday on “Raw” celebrity rapper Akon was in attendance. When this was announced, the audience greeted him with a roar, much to the chagrin of wrestling villains who viewed this as a form of disrespect.  Regal was no exception.

Later in the show, Regal addressed the issue in hopes of atoning for the rift between American and European society.

“The fact that a rap star received a warmer reception than your new intercontinental champion displays the very essence of what is wrong with this country,” Regal told the crowd. “And you people wonder why Great Britain is more respected across the world.”

“We understand the values of respect and service. I serve my queen with dignity and loyalty; concepts that I’m sure are foreign to the likes of you.”

However, I must say that I disagree with Regal. And this opened my eyes to something – England doesn’t have the answers we need. We do.

Is Regal serious when he asks why we wonder Great Britain is more respected across the world? I hope he’s just kidding, because everyone in the world loves America and subsequently Americans.

I mean, our popularity skyrocketed as soon as we invaded East Dakota (formerly Iraq). Now, as a result, we can proudly go to Europe or anywhere else in the world, as Americans, and wear T-shirts with Eagles or  American flags on them that say “These colors don’t run” and people will immediately befriend us.  Why? Because they’re afraid of getting their asses kicked.

That never happens in England.  

First of all, the English need to stop being so pompous and arrogant. For starters, they can’t even speak their own language right; we had to perfect it for them.  They spell things all crazy.  For example, the word color – they spell colour. Who needs a “u” in there? It’s obvious they’re just being snobby and pretentious.  

What about the word center? In America we use it correctly, in England they spell it centre.  Is the word pronounced cen-ter or cen-tray? That’s just pure obnoxiousness.

Another thing the English do wrong is football.  In America we have the real football, where we run while holding the ball, throwing the ball, catching the ball, tackle each other and every so often we actually kick the ball.

English football (soccer) is just stupid.  It shouldn’t be called football.  Sure they run around kicking the ball, and can only use their feet, and if any of them touch the ball with their hands they get kicked out.  But all they can do is use their feet! What kind of football is that?  I know what kind – the kind that sucks.

So America, while we can’t lie to ourselves about having problems within our society, let’s not lose sight of how much better than all the other countries we are.  If we weren’t, then Jesus wouldn’t have come back from Heaven just to come to the good ol’ U.S.A. I mean, how many other countries can boast the fact that Jesus actually talks to their president? Not very many.

So the English may have ruled the entire world at one time. They may have given us William Shakespeare, Thomas Hobbes (from “Calvin and Hobbes”), John Locke and Immanuel Kant.  But we gave the world chimichangas, the thigh master and Chevy Chase.

Get bent, England.