MANATEE FAIR: UNLV, Ashley declare ‘War on Homeless’

November 20, 2008 by B.S. Shenanagins 

 

Removal of homeless is new solution to homelessness

 

In a bold attempt at a better community, UNLV President David B. Ashley and the entirety of campus Greek organizations have declared war on the homeless.  The announcement came Tuesday, in accordance with National Hunger and Homelessness Awareness Week.

Hardly as a surprise, rallying shouts for the cause were heard early last week.

“Come on! Nobody likes homeless kids!” yelled Greek fundraisers for the Nevada Partnership against Homeless Youth.

The fundraising event involved pies to the face of those against homelessness, also solving the hunger issue in a single stroke of genius.

Since the event, Greeks have gained the attention and alliance of President Ashley.

“Yes, we are aware of the homeless,” Ashley said in Tuesday’s press conference. “And we are committed to doing everything in our power to eradicate the problem.”

The goals of UNLV’s “War on Homeless” center around the complete removal of any and all homeless persons within a mile of campus.  

“No homeless means no homelessness,” Ashley said.  “Problem solved.”

Measures are already underway as UNLV police have been seen rounding up homeless persons and placing them in the backs of large trucks or strapping them to the hood and taking them to an undisclosed location.  The right to use physical force has been granted to UNLV police and many are taking advantage of their K-9 units, tasers and newly introduced “bum beat sticks.”

“It’s almost like we’ve been waiting for this day our entire lives,” said UNLV police officer David Gaines.  “Yeah, sometimes they fight back, but really that’s just more fun.”

The issue of what to do with the homeless after capture is still under debate.  Suggestions vary from Republicans endorsing labor camps to the science community endorsing giant hamster wheels, solving the nation’s energy crisis in the meantime.  The religious community is asserting their position as well.

“Personally, I think this is a great opportunity to reinstitute ritual human sacrifice to our evil god,” said Mola Ram, high priest of the Thuggee cult at the Pankot palace in India.  “We solve the homeless problem and establish Kali Ma’s evil reign on earth at the same time.  Everybody wins!”

President Ashley also emphasized the need to act quickly, preventing any organization and formal resistance of the homeless infidels.  While the homeless sector has sought the leadership of Hancock, the alcoholic and homeless superhero, Hancock has failed to unite all homeless parties under one flag.  However, Hancock did succeed in polishing off a bottle of Jack Daniels last night.

“With the plans of Midtown UNLV finally underway, there is simply no room for the homeless in the new community,” Ashley said.  “When we are finished, the statistics will be testament to our success.”

By 2010, Ashley projects the surrounding UNLV community will boast a homeless rate of 0 percent, quality of life rating of 95 percent and tolerance rate of 0 percent.

“Plus, it will smell a whole lot better,” Ashley added.