Step away from the jukebox, punk

You’ll hear them on any given night, at any given bar, like some sort of divine mandate has been handed down ordering at least two people to request each song every night.

ItÕs about time some one dropped a bomb on songs like ÒLiving on a PrayerÓ and other annoying bar songs. By: Jason Emord

They’re all over two decades old, and yet diminishing marginal utility does not apply.

While the inebriated mind obviously does not adhere to economic principles. This is probably more a testament to the fact that these songs have tapped into some eternally conserved I-can’t-resist-rocking-out-and-singing-along vibe in the human brain.

Just look at the crowd in a bar, full of people our age and people twice our age drinking and doing their own things until that one song comes on and everybody starts singing and dancing, the 20-somethings on top of chairs and tables, despite the fact that they were probably conceived to the song, and the other crowd more subdued, recalling back seat foreplay and fogged windows that lead to the crowd dancing on the chairs and tables.

We’re all victims (or perpetrators) of this, and though it’s probably too late for any of us to be saved, you can be made aware so that  next time one of these songs come on you can smile knowingly before you launch into an air guitar riff and sing into your beer. Here are the songs:

“Red Red Wine” by UB40

Maybe I suck at writing, but words don’t seem to adequately describe how bad this guy’s voice is. I’m even listening to it on YouTube, which is pissing me off. The only thing I could really do to relate how bad this song would be to stab myself in the throat and try to sing. Not only is the singer’s voice bad, but every time it comes on 20 other people who can’t sing start singing. Once, I almost went to a UB40 concert because it was free and there was an open bar. It was full when I got there and they wouldn’t let me in. Can’t say I was disappointed.

“Living on a Prayer” by Bon Jovi

I’ve sung this next song in karaoke a few times, but it’s still making the list. Last time this song came on a bunch of nothing special chicks jumped up on the bar and started dancing. These weren’t paid dancers or models, just girls who should have stayed on the ground. The one who kept shaking her ass in my face got haughty and indignant when I suggested she was anything but a cute little angel.

I suppose there’s nothing wrong with the song itself, just people’s reaction to it and the fact that it’s always playing.

Any hit by Guns N’ Roses

This next song was going to be “Welcome to the Jungle,” but I’m changing it to any song by GNR, including “Sweet Child O’ Mine” and “Paradise City.”

These songs aren’t on the level of some other jukebox staples, but they get played. Frequently. You can’t really sing along with any of them, so it’s pretty quiet until the chorus, when everybody stops mid-conversation and starts screaming, then goes right back to talking. I just don’t understand, and things that aren’t understandable should be eliminated.

“Don’t Stop Believin’” by Journey

Judging by people’s reaction to this last song, you all probably hate me.

My dislike of this song is probably a result of the inadequacy I feel from knowing that I’ll never be as cool as I feel when I’m singing it. This song hypnotizes the masses, and as everybody stares off entranced by Steve Perry’s voice (it is pretty good), I drink my beer and think about stealing all their wallets.