MANATEE FAIR: Regents get creative, sadistic in fundraising

Pay toilets will be one of the many proposed fundraising items on today's Board of Regents meeting agenda. By: Devin Loretz and Eric Loy

In addition to the 25 percent tuition increase for the 2009 spring semester, the Board of Regents is getting creative in their effort to simultaneously raise funds for the university and bend over and financially sodomize the collegiate community.

The new efforts, recently added to today’s Regents meeting agenda, will incorporate new blood-sucking measures focused on UNLV students and faculty including pay toilets, classroom admission fees and a campus air tax where patrons of the university will be required to pay for their usage of oxygen while on campus.

“We weren’t sure if the 25 percent increase was sending the right message,” Chancellor Jim Rogers wrote in a recent Facebook message interview.  “We don’t want to just pull the carpet out from under students, we also would like to metaphorically beat and starve them, insult their mothers and then top it off with a round of waterboarding.”

If new policies like the pay toilet go through, Rogers may achieve his desired effect.  UNLV junior and pooping enthusiast Steven Jacobsen feels personally attacked and insulted by the new measures.

“[The Board of Regents] just doesn’t seem to understand,” Jacobsen said.  “I have a routine:  Ten [o'clock] to 11:15 class, and at 11:25 I take a sweet dump on the third floor the MSU.  I can’t afford to pay for that every day.  I’d be forced to hold it until I get home at 2:45.”

Jacobsen admitted that although he would be willing to hold in his massive daily crap, he doesn’t feel his colon could hold up under the stress.

“It’s either an empty wallet or busted butt hole at this point,” Jacobsen said.

Of course, the proposed measures are not specifically targeted at number-two aficionados.  The Board of Regents has also focused many of its new revenue-gaining schemes on specific majors.

In the spirit of Brigham Young University’s long-standing “You’re Not Mormon” admissions fee, the Board of Regents is proposing a “Get a Real Major Tax” that could raise up to $3 million per year by taxing students majoring in philosophy and English and every student in the fine arts college.

“It’s like a ‘sin tax’ on alcohol or tobacco,” Rogers said.  “These students are clearly indulging themselves by studying something they enjoy and are offering nothing practical to the American and global community.  Taxing them is logical and profitable.”

“Mostly profitable,” Rogers added.

The Board of Regents, overseeing the mandatory budget cuts sanctioned by Emperor Jim Gibbons, claims that the new fees – also including a minimum $300 fine for napping in the Lied Library  – should effectively offset the financial troubles posed to UNLV and the Nevada System of Higher Education.

Exploring alternate solutions has been abandoned at the state level, and the federal level appears to remain blissfully ignorant.

“Oh yes, soaring college tuition prices,” said Margaret Spellings, current secretary of education under the Bush administration, in a phone interview.  “I can relate.  When I went to school they were already charging almost $300 dollars a semester.  Dear-e me.  What are you kids paying nowadays, $500?”

“Have you filled out your FAFSA?” Spellings added and continued to robotically repeat until the line was disconnected several minutes later.

While the fundraising items on today’s agenda have yet to be approved and implemented, little dissent has been voiced from decision makers.  After being informed that Nevada does in fact contain fully accredited universities within its borders, Emperor Gibbons supported the UNLV Board of Regents’ plan to take the money and run.

“With the [Board of Regents'] approval of these measures, Nevada’s path to the dark side will be complete!” Gibbons stated just before his hologram was cut off as his Star Destroyer moved into an asteroid field.