Panda Express manager: the first 50 days

March 12, 2009 by B.S. Shenanagins 

After his first 50 days of employment, new Panda Express manager Steven Boyle reflected in a press conference Tuesday on the progress of his cheap and fast Chinese restaurant of questionable quality.

“Things are going well,” Boyle said.  “It’s not perfect, nothing is, but the egg rolls are starting to turn around and with more hard work, even the Kung Pao Chicken could show signs of improvement as early as May.”

Boyle has come under close scrutiny since being hired by Panda Express corporate office headquarters in January to helm the UNLV Student Union branch.  Being a minority, Boyle had to overcome the obstacle of being the only white guy on staff.

“It’s just not something we think about,” Boyle commented.  “Everyone here is committed to bringing the customers mediocre to poor quality Chinese food at blazing speeds and we just don’t have time for anyone’s social agenda to interfere.”

Among Boyle’s extensive list interview promises, only a handful have been met so far including replacing the napkin dispensers and expanding SoBe beverage choices.  Some analysts point to the previous troubled state of UNLV’s Panda Express to explain the slow progress.

Two old woks, a slumping menu, and a host of other problems were inherited by Boyle as he took the position in January.

These major problems take more time to solve, Boyle said.

Boyle proposed solutions have also come under fire from the corporate office headquarters as he is pushing for a new wave of “Buy-1-Get-1-Free” coupons and an unprecedented cream cheese rangoon stimulus package which features a complimentary rangoon with every 2-entrée plate.

“Bottom line is we need to regain the customers’ faith and respect for our limited and less-than authentic Chinese cuisine,” Boyle said.  “We’ll make money later, maybe, but right now it’s all about the customer.”
UNLV political analyst Dr. James Honecker places Boyle high on the list of past Panda Express managers, considering his attempts to unite the staff among turbulent times among other efforts.

“First, Boyle seems to actually care,” Honecker said.  “He’s not dropping that gate thing to close up 20 minutes early, and he’s not screwing me, I mean… the customer, on chow mein servings and stuff.”

Boyle’s success or failure as new manager will probably not be evident until long after he graduates next December.  Boyle said he realizes he’s in a thankless position and one of constant danger being surrounded by Panda Express food for hours at a time but is committed to doing his best – in between classes and on Fridays.

When asked his favorite menu item, Boyle responded, “Um.  Who really eats this stuff?”

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