SPURTS:

Sanford admitted to loony bin

April 1, 2009 by MAXson 

Meanwhile, fans still looking forward to basketball season

Editors Note: This article originally appeared in our April Fool’s Day special section, Manatee Fair, and is not to be taken seriously.

Maybe Mike Sanford was crazy enough to take the head-coaching job at UNLV.

Two hours after hosting a press conference in which he claimed his football team to be “BCS contenders,” Sanford was committed to The Helping Hands Institute for the Clinically Insane, Deranged and Homicidal. Sanford is only the fourth head coach in UNLV history to be committed while at the program’s helm.

“I’ve stuck with Sanford through a lot,” UNLV athletic director Mike Hamrick said. “The talk about beating Reno, having a winning season, being bowl eligible and all that garbage. But this time he went too far.”

Hamrick insisted that his goal in the matter was to protect the players, many of who listen to Sanford on a semi-regular basis.

“The delusion ends here,” Hamrick said. “These kids are here to get an education, stay academically eligible and help us keep our Division-I status for basketball.”

Sanford’s hospitalization isn’t the first of its kind for a head coach.

In 2007 Appalachian State head coach Jerry Moore was locked up after claiming his football team defeated Michigan at The Big House, 34-32. Attorneys for Mr. Moore are still appealing his detention based on unsubstantiated rumors that the Mountaineers actually won.

“Cases like Mr. Sanford’s and Mr. Moore’s are simply a cry for help,” Dr. James Octavious Monroe of The Helping Hands Institute said. “It’s like the time George Clooney took the role for ‘Batman & Robin.’ You can just sort of tell when something isn’t right with a person.”

Dr. Monroe then proceeded to prepare lunch for Clooney, Sanford and Monroe.

It is unclear at the moment who will replace Sanford, but that doesn’t worry players.

“I’m just glad I don’t have to do spring ball anymore,” linebacker Matt Duncan said before skipping a mandatory workout in favor of a drink at The Crown & Anchor.

Hamrick said that many people are in consideration to fill the head coaching vacancy on an interim basis until there is a settlement on the Sanford issue.

“I’ve talked with [high school coaches] John Elwell and Darwin Rost and both seemed interest. Hell, I’ve even heard that [former 49ers’ head coach] Steve Mariucci may be interested in the job.”

Immediately after mentioning Mariucci’s interest, Hamrick was committed.