From the Top Rope: Nature Boy should be put out to pasture

Chris Jericho (doctor) is leading the effort to get Ric Flair (patient) to retire permantly from professional wrestling. Illustration by Eric Loy

Please take this fork out of me because I’m not quite done yet, – well, at least I think I’m not.

The previous sentence is an example of the way many competitors who are past their prime often think. No matter what sort of competition it is – sports, politics or music – there are always old people who need to know when it’s over and let go but just can’t seem to.

A perfect example of this is “The Nature Boy” Ric Flair.

Flair, bless his heart, has been one of the foundations that has made professional wrestling what it is today.  His flamboyance, arrogance and other -ance’s defined entire generations of Americans who wanted the style and profile Flair had.

But there’s just one thing – It’s over, Flair. Just like America’s true hero, Chris Jericho, is trying to persuade all WWE parasitic fans, it’s over.

Flair has insisted, one full year after retirement, on coming back and staying in the limelight, but he just can’t seem to accept the fact that he’s finished.

Jericho has been trying to shine his light of truth on WWE fans (who he often refers to as parasites and sycophants) but the fans hate him for it.  Just as he claims, Jericho really is a good man and an honest man.

On Monday night “Raw,” Jericho asked the audience to respond to a challenge made to him by several long-retired WWE Hall of Famers, to wrestle in a handicap match (3 against 1) at “Wrestlemania XXV.”

Flair’s music, the theme from “2001: A Space Odyssey,” the greatest entrance theme ever, began to play and Flair made his way down to the ring to confront Jericho.

What Flair ended up getting was a hellacious beat down in front of all his adoring WWE sycophantic and hypocritical fans.

Jericho’s right hand landed flush on Flair’s forehead opening a wide gash from which blood spewed all over the ring.  Jericho then proceeded to rip all of Flair’s clothes off, leaving him in his boxer shorts and undershirt – basically leaving him a tattered old man.

Then, to finish him off, Jericho took a camera from one of the WWE crew and bashed Flair over the head with it. 

Flair paused for a moment, which seemed like an eternity,  then let out a scream that sounded like a noise the well-respected Crypt Keeper would make, before landing on the floor head first.

Hopefully now Flair will realize that he has to just retire and enjoy the rest of his life.

In keeping with the recent theme of Top Five WWE lists, let’s put this into perspective by listing the top five old people who have lost the mastery of their craft, and need to just hang it up already.

5 – George Lucas. “The Clone Wars” on Cartoon Network. Really, George? Really? Enough said.

4 – Fidel and Raul Castro. Coño meng, you know what a “hassa” is? It’s a pig that don’t fly straight.

3 – Sinbad. I love you Sinbad, I really do. But you’re going to be performing in Jean, Nev. later this month? Ah, who am I kidding? I will see you there, sir. I will see you there.

2 – George Lucas, again. “The Clone Wars” on Cartoon Network. Seriously, George? My God.

And the number one old timer who needs to just give it up and move on with his sad, meaningless life – Dick Cheney. You know what a “hassa” is, Dick?

FROM THE TOP ROPE is a column that seeks to explain life and politics through a WWE theoretical paradigm. It appears in every Thursday issue.