MANATEE FAIR:
Coach Sanford replaced with
cardboard standup of Mike Ditka

October 15, 2009 by B.S. Shenanagins 

In an attempt to salvage the remainder of UNLV’s football season, President Neal Smatresk and interim athletics director Jerry Koloskie removed Mike Sanford from his head coaching position Tuesday and replaced him with a cardboard standup of Mike Ditka.

Illustration by Tom Foolery.

“We firmly believe that this inanimate image of inspiration will instill in the players a sense of urgency and motivation for achievement,” Smatresk said. “Both qualities that have been missing from the team for the past five and a half years.”

The acquisition of the cardboard standup of Mike Ditka was made Tuesday when Smatresk purchased him from Steve’s Sports Memorabilia on W. Charleston Blvd. and S. Durango Drive for $32.99.

“I had a coupon,” Smatresk said.

Steve Swann of Steve’s Sports Memorabilia was happy with the transaction and thinks it will be a positive one for UNLV, citing the cardboard standup of Mike Ditka’s long and successful tenure in the his front window.

“Yeah, he’s been holding strong since I acquired him in ’86,” Swann said. “He spent most of the nineties in the back, but I brought him out of retirement in 2002 for nostalgia’s sake, but he’s done really well.”

Rebel football players are already looking forward to the new presence brought to the locker room by the cardboard standup of Mike Ditka.

“The cardboard standup of Mike Ditka is definitely going to be a force to be reckoned with on the practice field and in the locker room,” said wide receiver Phillip Payne. “He’s seen and experienced things we [players] can only dream of. That lifetime of experience will definitely help in the second half of the season.”

The cardboard standup of Mike Ditka has been signed to a probationary contract that lasts until the end of the season. At that point, his performance will be evaluated and a formal offer will be made.

“We really see no reason why the cardboard standup of Mike Ditka won’t be able to build a program here,” Smatresk said. “The probationary period really is just a formality.”

Despite Smatresk’s confidence, the search for a new head coach did not originate with the cardboard cutout of Mike Ditka in mind.

“Well, our preliminary search took us to Fatheads of Bill Belichick, Mike Holmgren and SpiderMan,” Smatresk said, “but we ending up deciding that we needed an old school approach to rebuild the program.”

That old school approach was found in the cardboard standup of Mike Ditka and only time will tell if he has the ability to turn UNLV’s struggling program around.

The cardboard standup of Mike Ditka declined to comment for this story.

“Manatee Fair” is a weekly column that reports satirical news.