THE BOTTOM SHELF:
A truly cold-blooded murderer

October 22, 2009 by Richard Pierce 

All October we’ve studied the crappiest of the crappy in the horror genre, from the evil toys of “Puppet Master vs. Demonic Toys” to the killer pastry in “The Gingerdead Man.”

And after watching these films, I’ve realized they all have one thing in common – they all feature things that don’t normally come to life and kill people.

Now, far be it from me to create an entirely new genre here, but I think among the “creature feature” and “slasher” sub-genres of horror, they should also toss in “killer things that normally don’t kill” genre. Lord knows there’s enough products for that. (Just a thought for ya, Netflix.)

Now speaking of that, what’s the last thing you’d expect to come to life and start hackin’ people to death in a horror movie? Think about it. No answer is too crazy.

What’s that you say? A snowman? Damn, you’re good.
Made in 2000, this week’s movie, “Jack Frost 2: The Revenge of the Mutant Killer Snowman,” just so happens to be about a killer snowman.

Perhaps you missed the original film because you have too much pride to ask the guy at the video store, “Excuse me, sir. Where’s your copy of ‘Jack Frost?’ You know, the one about the mutant killer snowman. I wish to rent it please.”
The first “Jack Frost” was probably best known for two things: It was Shannon Elizabeth’s first movie (may or may not be good thing) and it was a movie about a friggin’ killer snowman!

Which was apparently enough to warrant this sequel.

This time, the original cast from the first film heads off to some Caribbean island to celebrate Christmas. Little do they know, some bumbling janitor in a lab accidentally spilled some chemicals and revived Jack Frost (the mutant killer snowman) who’s now hell-bent on revenge.

Thanks a lot, bumbling janitor! Geez. Is it really that hard to find a janitor who can vacuum a room without going all Urkel and knocking over beakers full of toxic chemicals, re-animating killer snowmen? I mean, geez.

All the beach shots and scenery are obviously stock footage. Not just because they don’t match the actual locations but because they were shot on film and the rest of the movie was shot on video. I guess no one told the director that film and video actually look different.

Jack Frost follows the gang to the island to get revenge. He looks like a giant plush doll and his mouth doesn’t move with his words. And in addition to being a psycho killer, he’s also one helluva jokester.

Seriously, he wise-cracks more than Bruce Willis. At one point some drunk college dude freezes his tongue to a pole, Frost comes up behind him and says, “Cow-a-tongue-a!” and yanks his head back, ripping the tongue out and killing the guy.

And that’s one of his better zingers.

They set up a trap to kill Jack by filling a pool with anti-freeze (get it?). After the hero of the movie fools Jack Frost into falling in, he yells “Psyche!”

Really? “Psyche”? What is this, 1993?

Jack makes little baby snowmen whom he sends out to do his bidding and kill some people. They discover Jack Frost’s only weakness is bananas (I swear I’m not making this up) and they kill him by shooting him with an arrow with a banana strapped to the end. Like Rambo, but, you know, with a banana.

Overall, “Jack Frost 2” deserves some credit. It was directed with originality and crisply written. And honestly, given its modest budget, it was pretty well-crafted and overall worthy of checking it out.

PSYCHE!