BOTTOM SHELF: The Dancing Baby learns some deadly new moves

November 12, 2009 by Richard Pierce 

We need more crappy horror movie remakes.

I’ve been saying it for years. “Texas Chainsaw,” “Halloween,” “Friday the 13th,” that’s just not enough. We, as a society of trendy, intelligent film-goers, need more!

We want the same old stuff over and over again!

Imagine our pain, Hollywood. Sitting in a theater, watching some new horror franchise, being introduced to new characters, new villains, new plots…. Ugh, what a pain in the ass! Just show me Freddy or Jason hackin’ up some dude! And hey, don’t skimp on the blood!

Honestly, who’d want to see something new when we can just watch a newly refurbished, polished-up version of the same old turd?

Originality is overrated. Innovation is just plain stupid.

Remake the hell out of everything, Hollywood. Please. You know we want it.

I’m being facetious, of course. We all know remakes suck, but for some reason, Hollywood keeps shoveling ‘em out, most notably in the horror genre.

Last week, a remake of the ’70s classic “It’s Alive,” hit video shelves, becoming the newest addition to my newfound “killer things that don’t normally kill” sub-genre of horror. This one involving a -– ready for this? – killer baby.

original “It’s Alive” was, for better or worse, a pretty fun little horror movie. It spawned two sequels, one of which, “It’s Alive III: Island of the Alive,” took place on an island full of little killer babies. Think “Jurassic Park” if it were sponsored by Gerber.

The new “It’s Alive” stars Bijou Phillips (“Choke”) as a woman who gives birth to a real child from Hell named Daniel. Daniel wastes no time and quickly kills off everyone in the delivery room (except mommy) within a matter of seconds after being born.

The baby itself is, well, not very good, executed with poorly done CGI in most scenes.

Remember those “hilarious” dancing baby videos we all used to watch back in the days of AOL 4.0? Well, that heavily pixelated little tyke looks considerably better than the CGI baby in this movie.

Though, in hindsight, that dancing baby was pretty frightening. Maybe that’s what they were aiming for in “It’s Alive.”

The movie drags on, just as one would assume a movie about a killer baby would, with plot holes aplenty.

How can the baby even get out of his crib? Isn’t that what cribs are for – to keep babies in them?

Why is he super-human strong? How can he run, jump and climb? And how the hell does he know how to cut off power to a house?!

There’s a scene where Daddy goes into the basement to check things out and the door gets slammed behind him and locked.

What!?

How does a baby know how to lock doors? How can he even reach the knob? What the hell?

Also, about half the characters in the movie have dubbed-over voices, most notably the cop, or Sheriff A.D.R., as I like to call him. (Look it up, non-film students. That was a joke, I promise.)

It’s not like the movie was filmed in a foreign language or anything. They must have just recorded all his lines poorly. Maybe the boom-mic operator got bored and just started pointing his microphone out the window or something.

So, if you have the desire to see a movie about a killer baby: One, you should probably see a psychiatrist.

Two, if he says you’re good to go, skip this and rent the original “It’s Alive,” or even the third one on the island. At least they’re campy fun.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to YouTube to watch that dancing baby video and have myself a real scare.

“The Bottom Shelf” is a weekly column that reports from the frighteningly awful world of direct-to-video movies.