MANATEE FAIR: Chronic myelogenous leukemia selects Abdul-Jabbar in 2009 Disease Draft

November 12, 2009 by B.S. Shenanagins 

In the first overall pick of the 2009 Celebrity Disease and Genetic Disorder Draft, chronic myelogenous leukemia (CML) selected former Los Angeles Laker and the NBA’s all-time leading points scorer Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.

“Obviously, this is huge for us,” 66-year-old CML sufferer John Harvey said. “Before, we hardly had enough to get a Wikipedia page going. We were just some rare off-chute of leukemia. But now with [Abdul-Jabbar], you can bet the conferences and doctors and federal funding will just start rolling in.”

With this pick, CML hopes to move up in disease and disorder standings, catching frontrunners Parkinson’s disease, captained by actor Michael J. Fox and testicular cancer lead by cyclist Lance Armstrong.

“Even Irritable Bowel Syndrome was handing it to us with Kelsey Grammer and Cybill Shepherd,” Harvey said, “but that all changes now. Yeah, skyhook, what now?”

Only hours after being officially drafted, Abdul-Jabbar also garnered several corporate endorsements. Daniel Vasella, chairman and CEO of Novartis, the leading pharmaceutical company in CML treatment medication, signed Abdul-Jabbar as spokesperson and endorser of the medications Gleevec and Tasigna.

“[Abdul-Jabbar] is now part of the Novartis family,” Vasella said in a press release yesterday. “We look forward to the contributions he will undoubtedly make to our stock reports, corporate accounts and bottom line.”

“Oh, and battling this horrible disease and stuff,” he added.

Veteran and legend of the Celebrity Disease League, Lou Gehrig’s Disease, or amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS) as it’s known everywhere else in the world, welcomed CML into the ranks of the big boys.

“It’s nice to see other diseases and disorders getting a chance for some exposure,” ALS said. “I could see CML turning this thing around just like [human immunodeficiency virus] did with Magic Johnson in the ’91 season.”

Also a former Laker, Johnson announced his infection with HIV in 1991 and worked hard to reverse the negative stereotypes about the disease and solicit funding. Johnson has also gained endorsements from noted pharmaceutical firms GlaxoSmithKline and Abbot Laboratories.

Unfortunately, for every success story like CML’s there are hundreds more of diseases and disorders that never make it to the big leagues.

14-year-old Jacob Nellis, diagnosed with juvenile xanthogranuloma at age eight, expressed his wish that one day people will become fans of his disease.

“I try to explain to my friends and relatives what I have, and they don’t really know what I’m talking about,” Nellis said. “They usually ask, ‘Is that like the kid in “Lorenzo’s Oil?”’ Whatever.”

Juvenile xanthogranuloma affects 1 in 200,000 children from birth to age 15. In its career, the disorder has yet to sign any celebrities.

Despite the high hopes and positive projections from fans and analysts, Abdul-Jabbar remained dubious about the league in general.

“Um, well I just want to get better and help people if I can,” Abdul-Jabbar said.

“Oh, Kareem,” Vasella said. “Just let me do the talking.”

“Manatee Fair” is a weekly column that reports satirical news.