BOTTOM SHELF: Set it and forget it… punk

November 20, 2009 by Richard Pierce 

Remember Ron Popeil, the dude from the Chop-O-Matic infomercials? What if you heard he starred in an action movie? What would you do?

If you’ve got half a brain in your head, you’d drop everything you’re doing and race to Blockbuster to check it out this instant. That’s what you’d do!

Well, this week’s movie doesn’t star Popeil, sorry. But it does star another famous TV huckster – and perhaps a more likely candidate to be an action star than a 70-year-old man who sells vegetable choppers for a living – Tae Bo’s Billy Blanks.

Yes, Billy effin’ Blanks. The Tae Bo guy. I bet you didn’t know the Tae Bo guy tried to break into the action movies in the early ‘90s, starring in several low-budget action/sci-fi, action/martial arts, action/various other failed types of action movies.

Sadly, the movies didn’t really catch on and his film career never blossomed beyond a couple starring roles in cheesy direct-to-video movies. Though some of those movies are considered to be “classics” of the direct-to-video genre by many of the genre’s biggest enthusiasts and connoisseurs. (Me, basically.)

This week’s film is what I consider to be the finest effort of Mr. Blanks’ career, second only to his “Tae Bo: Freestyle Funk” DVD, entitled “Talons of the Eagle.”

Made in 1992, “Talons of the Eagle” stars the aforementioned Blanks and another not-so-successful-but-fun-to-watch-anyways DTV action star named Jalal Merhi, who is known as Beiruit’s Steven Seagal according to his Wikipedia page – which was probably written by his mom.

Merhi sports a spiffy-looking ponytail in the movie (staying true to his Seagalness, minus the paunch), while Blanks has one of the best ‘90s flattops ever.

The story is about a couple of cops (Blanks and Merhi) who get mixed up with the girl from “Three’s Company” (Priscilla Barnes) and enter some sort of an under-ground martial arts tournament.

Basically, it’s all just an excuse to see these dudes punch the hell out of each other.

Matthius Hues stars as one of the bad guys. If you don’t know this guy, Netflix everything he’s ever done and watch it. (May I recommend “I Come In Peace” which he co-stars in with Dolph Lundgren. One of the best ‘90s action movies ever. No joke.) The guy is huge and foreign and really knows how to knock the crap out people. A wonderful combo in the DTV genre. Seriously, he almost out-Lundgrens Dolph Lundgren.

There’s about a dozen training montage scenes in the movie (give or take 10 or so) that are pretty hilarious. Blanks and Merhi spar, run around a beach and train to really cheesy music, because, as their master puts it, “In ordah to get da Eagle Claw, yoo must first rearn to fry!”

And fly they do. And by that I mean they run around with their arms tied to a log so it looks like their pretending to be birdies.

Blanks gets in a bunch of fights and says “Wachaw!” a lot. It’s awesome.

“Talons of the Eagle” is one big cheeseball of a movie, filled with long-haired foreign dudes kicking the crap out of other sweaty, be-muscled kickboxing lunkheads, the whole things reeking so badly of the ‘90s it’s practically dripping Crystal Pepsi.

Check it out. Good stuff.

In a perfect universe, all TV pitchmen would be action stars. Here’s a just a tiny glimpse into this wonderful world…