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Bottom Shelf presents ‘Rebruary’

February is Reb Brown month here at The Bottom Shelf headquarters, or Rebruary, as we like to call it.

A time to celebrate one of the greatest actors in cinematic history, the epic Reb Brown.

What’s that you say? You’ve never heard of Reb Brown? Well, buckle up, my friends. You’re gonna get to know him real good over the next month, whether you like it or not. (I mean, you could just stop reading, but please don’t do that.)

For those who don’t know Reb Brown, he is a man, a very large man, who starred in dozens of action films throughout the 80s and 90s. Some bad, some okay, some very, very bad, but all of them awesome. Awesome for one reason and one reason only: Reb Brown.

A man so brawny he makes Sylvester Stallone look like Nathan Lane, so burly he makes Jean-Claude Van Damme look like Charles Nelson Reilly, so Herculean he makes Chuck Norris look like Zac Efron. (Just Youtube him for some classic clips.)

He possesses all the key ingredients of a 90s action hero. Muscles: check. Fighting ability: check. Guns: check. Really bad one-liners: check. Acting skills: …uh, does punching qualify as an “acting skill?”

Some of you may know Reb from his role in “Howling II: Your Sister is a Werewolf” (which we already covered – read it online), playing Captain America in the 70s “Captain America” movies or co-starring alongside Gene Hackman in “Uncommon Valor.”

Or perhaps you know Reb Brown from what may be his most famous work, a starring role in the film “Space Mutiny,” the first film we’re going to discuss.

“Space Mutiny” was so bad it had the honor of being featured on “Mystery Science Theater 3000.”

As one of the biggest MST3K fans you’ll ever meet, I’d be lying if I said MST3K wasn’t a huge influence on me, as well as this column. You know, the whole making fun of bad movies thing wasn’t entirely a huge innovation on my part.

And even though “Space Mutiny” has already been run through the wringer on MST3K (meaning all the good jokes are probably taken), one cannot have a Reb Brown month without viewing “Space Mutiny,” perhaps his Reb-iest work ever.

The film opens with David Ryder (Reb) crash-landing on The Southern Sun, a space station carrying the last of Earth’s inhabitants after the planet, like, blew up or something. Ryder survives the crash, but his cargo, a brilliant professor, does not.

Professor’s lady friend – coincidentally named Lea, kind of like that one space movie, oh, what’s it called, “Star Wars?” – is heart-broken over his death. So Reb does what any virile hunk of a man would do to aid a grieving damsel in distress: He steps in and slips her his little Reb.

As the title indicates, a mutiny forms aboard the ship, leaving Ryder as the one man who can step in and blow away the bad guys with fake looking lasers and punches galore.

IMDB states that “Space Mutiny” lifts a bunch of footage from “Battlestar Galactica.” Not being a fan of that show, I wouldn’t know “Battlestar Galactica” footage from a hole in the ground, but those stolen scenes look way better than the rest of the film. Kinda like if someone spliced in “Avatar” footage in the middle of “Mac and Me.”

“Space Mutiny” also contains Reb Brown’s most famous one-liner: “Blaaaaaaaaaaaugh!”

You see, he likes to scream a lot. Usually while firing an automatic weapon or rocket launcher of some kind.  You’ll be seeing a lot more screaming throughout the month.

So everybody be sure to Netflix yourself a copy of “Space Mutiny,” and while you’re at it, clear out that queue ‘cause we got a lot more Reb-tastic movies to cover this month.

And happy Rebruary to all!

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BOTTOM SHELF: Set it and forget it… punk

Remember Ron Popeil, the dude from the Chop-O-Matic infomercials? What if you heard he starred in an action movie? What would you do?

If you’ve got half a brain in your head, you’d drop everything you’re doing and race to Blockbuster to check it out this instant. That’s what you’d do!

Well, this week’s movie doesn’t star Popeil, sorry. But it does star another famous TV huckster – and perhaps a more likely candidate to be an action star than a 70-year-old man who sells vegetable choppers for a living – Tae Bo’s Billy Blanks.

Yes, Billy effin’ Blanks. The Tae Bo guy. I bet you didn’t know the Tae Bo guy tried to break into the action movies in the early ‘90s, starring in several low-budget action/sci-fi, action/martial arts, action/various other failed types of action movies.

Sadly, the movies didn’t really catch on and his film career never blossomed beyond a couple starring roles in cheesy direct-to-video movies. Though some of those movies are considered to be “classics” of the direct-to-video genre by many of the genre’s biggest enthusiasts and connoisseurs. (Me, basically.)

This week’s film is what I consider to be the finest effort of Mr. Blanks’ career, second only to his “Tae Bo: Freestyle Funk” DVD, entitled “Talons of the Eagle.”

Made in 1992, “Talons of the Eagle” stars the aforementioned Blanks and another not-so-successful-but-fun-to-watch-anyways DTV action star named Jalal Merhi, who is known as Beiruit’s Steven Seagal according to his Wikipedia page – which was probably written by his mom.

Merhi sports a spiffy-looking ponytail in the movie (staying true to his Seagalness, minus the paunch), while Blanks has one of the best ‘90s flattops ever.

The story is about a couple of cops (Blanks and Merhi) who get mixed up with the girl from “Three’s Company” (Priscilla Barnes) and enter some sort of an under-ground martial arts tournament.

Basically, it’s all just an excuse to see these dudes punch the hell out of each other.

Matthius Hues stars as one of the bad guys. If you don’t know this guy, Netflix everything he’s ever done and watch it. (May I recommend “I Come In Peace” which he co-stars in with Dolph Lundgren. One of the best ‘90s action movies ever. No joke.) The guy is huge and foreign and really knows how to knock the crap out people. A wonderful combo in the DTV genre. Seriously, he almost out-Lundgrens Dolph Lundgren.

There’s about a dozen training montage scenes in the movie (give or take 10 or so) that are pretty hilarious. Blanks and Merhi spar, run around a beach and train to really cheesy music, because, as their master puts it, “In ordah to get da Eagle Claw, yoo must first rearn to fry!”

And fly they do. And by that I mean they run around with their arms tied to a log so it looks like their pretending to be birdies.

Blanks gets in a bunch of fights and says “Wachaw!” a lot. It’s awesome.

“Talons of the Eagle” is one big cheeseball of a movie, filled with long-haired foreign dudes kicking the crap out of other sweaty, be-muscled kickboxing lunkheads, the whole things reeking so badly of the ‘90s it’s practically dripping Crystal Pepsi.

Check it out. Good stuff.

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