Finding (real) meaning

This summer, I canceled my Facebook. Yep, I clicked “deactivate account,” and I was free! Read more

FOOLS RUSH IN:
The art of taking things slow

Things that start fast end fast.
Read more

College and cougars:
does age matter?

Here’s to you, Mrs. Robinson? And who could forget Stiffler’s mom? These stories are familiar, but many are unaware that age gap relationships can be healthy and positive, too.

College is where you find out who you are. Some are lucky enough to do that and find the person they want to spend the rest of their life with.

Have you ever thought that person you’re looking for could be 10 years older than you? Most would say no.

Age gap relationships are exactly what the name implies: relationships in which one partner is older than the other.

There are a lot of stereotypes of this particular variety of relationship that give it a bad reputation. It is common among many to label young women with older men as golddiggers. Women who are involved with younger men have been branded as “cougars.”

Students should know that these relationships have the same chances of being sound and beneficial as any other relationship.

“It depends on the couple,” said marriage and family therapy professor Katherine Hertlein, in reference to whether age gap relationships are healthy.

“In circumstances where the relationship is healthy, each partner has an understanding of who they are and have conversations about the relationship,” Hertlein added.
Hertlein said it is normal for traditional college-age people to look for as many new experiences as they can. An age gap relationship is an example of one of these experiences.

“Dating someone older is just one more piece of the student finding out who they are,” Hertlein said. She added that relationships shape our identities, age gap-defined or not.
So when can an age gap become uncomfortable or innapropriate? Hertlein explained that when children are involved, parents’ ages can have greater importance than if the relationsip affected only the couple.

“It seems that the line gets drawn when the partner is in the generation of the other’s children,” states the professor. “There seems to be a hangup for the immediate and extended family,” she said.

Family members can also be extremely supportive. Biology senior Lisa Doyle, 21, is proof of this. She is currently in an age gap relationship with her fiancé, UNLV alumnus Charles Ashby.

She set a date in spring to marry Ashby, who is 11 years her senior.

“Everyone is so supportive,” Doyle said about the two families’ feelings toward their relationship. She added, “Both families had no issues.”

Doyle said that this could be in part because both families are extremely diverse in age and have large age gaps between their siblings. Doyle commented that she believes this could be why she’s attracted to older men in general.

“I always had crushes on my sister’s boyfriends,” Doyle said.

Maturity, stability and goals are what Doyle said she finds appealing in older men.
Nursing junior John Morris, whose name was changed to protect his privacy, cited similar qualities in why he is attracted to older men.

“It’s not that I want a sugar daddy. It’s that they’re more established,” Morris said. “They’re more experienced.”

Age gap relationships have their ups and downs just like any other relationship. Both Doyle and Morris said that suspicion of infidelity has been an issue in their relationships.
“He has that little bit of insecurity,” Morris said. “At times, he feels I’m going to be looking for someone better.”

Morris stated that his partner’s friends often suspect Morris of fooling around and possibly leaving him.

“Everyone refers to me as ‘the 20 year old,’” Morris said.

“You shouldn’t judge a book by its cover because every relationship is different,” Hertlein said. She added that just because a relationship appears to be healthy at face-value does not mean it couldn’t be quite the opposite.

Finding support is the first thing to do if you find yourself in a committed age-gap relationship, Hertlein said.

“There has to be a level of respect for people making their own decisions,” Hertlein said. “Support people as people.”

Students in relationships of any kind can find masters level marriage and family therapy on campus. Consultations are free and available to students all week. All masters students are observed by faculty of the UNLV Department of Marriage and Family Therapy.

ON THE WEB:

UNLV Department of Marriage and Family Therapy: mft.unlv.edu

FOOLS RUSH IN: She’s just not that into you

They say all good things must come to an end. I say that’s halfway true. All bad things must come to an end, too.

Sometimes the choice to end a relationship is obvious. In those cases, it isn’t always easier, but the choice is clear. Most of the time, it’s a difficult decision to make. There are many factors to consider that always make it a lot more complicated than we want it to be.

Still, you do what you’ve got to do. If you know you want out but don’t know how to handle the situation, there are a few things you should avoid doing.

Don’t lie.
You should never have to lie. If you feel the need to lie, then you shouldn’t be in the relationship to begin with. Trust is essential to any relationship, romantic or otherwise, so if you expect to stay on good terms with your soon-to-be ex, then be honest. And even if you don’t expect to stay friends or even acquaintances, be honest. The truth may hurt, but it can also set you free.

Don’t avoid the issue.
Let’s face it. Most people aren’t stupid. Your mate will likely be able to tell that something is up. There is nothing worse than prolonging the inevitable, so don’t dance around the subject. Keeping it short, sweet and to the point is the safest way to make a clean break.

Don’t drag it out.
This goes hand-in-hand with the previous suggestion. It’s going to be bad. Why make it worse?

Don’t use a corny break up line.
No one wants to hear the dreaded, “It’s not you, it’s me.” Clearly, that is not true. You’re not saving any face by saying it either, so don’t.

Don’t break up through a text message.
Ideally, breaking up in person is the way to go. Text messages, e-mail, through a friend… any other way will only be a slap in the face.

Don’t listen to your friends (completely).
Choosing to be in a relationship with a person should be your decision to make. Not your friends’, family’s or anyone else’s who feels the need to be in your business.
Sure, it’s perfectly OK to use them as a sounding board and to get advice. But that doesn’t mean you have to or should listen.

Don’t disrespect them.
No matter how bitter, resentful or angry you are, no good comes out of being disrespectful. Avoid name-calling, trash-talking and airing out their dirty laundry.
Although it might feel good to lash out in the moment, you will more than likely regret it later. Obviously, this is a lot easier said than done. Just remember that what you say and do reflect back on you.

Don’t give in.
Think it through long and hard and don’t make the decision to give up until you are sure. Once you’ve made up your mind that it’s the right thing to do, don’t back down.
It’s easy to get suckered into staying in a relationship that you know is not making you happy, because you’re comfortable. You don’t want to hurt the one you have cared about or you want to believe that things will change.

Of course it’s hard to do. But you’ve got to look out for your own best interests and sometimes that means being the bad guy. And when it’s all over, appreciate it for what it was, but also for what it wasn’t. Learn from it and most importantly, let go. You won’t be able to – or at least shouldn’t – move on until you do.

FOOLS RUSH IN:
Players hit brick wall of love over lies

“Don’t hate the player, hate the game.” Read more

FOOLS RUSH IN: Chuck’s luck can suck

“Is ‘I’m back with the ex’ a typical line from girls these days?” Read more

Traditional definition of relationships changing

With record divorces, commitment less important   Read more