College and cougars:
does age matter?

September 28, 2009 by Mark Adams · 2 Comments

Here’s to you, Mrs. Robinson? And who could forget Stiffler’s mom? These stories are familiar, but many are unaware that age gap relationships can be healthy and positive, too.

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College is where you find out who you are. Some are lucky enough to do that and find the person they want to spend the rest of their life with.

Have you ever thought that person you’re looking for could be 10 years older than you? Most would say no.

Age gap relationships are exactly what the name implies: relationships in which one partner is older than the other.

There are a lot of stereotypes of this particular variety of relationship that give it a bad reputation. It is common among many to label young women with older men as golddiggers. Women who are involved with younger men have been branded as “cougars.”

Students should know that these relationships have the same chances of being sound and beneficial as any other relationship.

“It depends on the couple,” said marriage and family therapy professor Katherine Hertlein, in reference to whether age gap relationships are healthy.

“In circumstances where the relationship is healthy, each partner has an understanding of who they are and have conversations about the relationship,” Hertlein added.
Hertlein said it is normal for traditional college-age people to look for as many new experiences as they can. An age gap relationship is an example of one of these experiences.

“Dating someone older is just one more piece of the student finding out who they are,” Hertlein said. She added that relationships shape our identities, age gap-defined or not.
So when can an age gap become uncomfortable or innapropriate? Hertlein explained that when children are involved, parents’ ages can have greater importance than if the relationsip affected only the couple.

“It seems that the line gets drawn when the partner is in the generation of the other’s children,” states the professor. “There seems to be a hangup for the immediate and extended family,” she said.

Family members can also be extremely supportive. Biology senior Lisa Doyle, 21, is proof of this. She is currently in an age gap relationship with her fiancé, UNLV alumnus Charles Ashby.

She set a date in spring to marry Ashby, who is 11 years her senior.

“Everyone is so supportive,” Doyle said about the two families’ feelings toward their relationship. She added, “Both families had no issues.”

Doyle said that this could be in part because both families are extremely diverse in age and have large age gaps between their siblings. Doyle commented that she believes this could be why she’s attracted to older men in general.

“I always had crushes on my sister’s boyfriends,” Doyle said.

Maturity, stability and goals are what Doyle said she finds appealing in older men.
Nursing junior John Morris, whose name was changed to protect his privacy, cited similar qualities in why he is attracted to older men.

“It’s not that I want a sugar daddy. It’s that they’re more established,” Morris said. “They’re more experienced.”

Age gap relationships have their ups and downs just like any other relationship. Both Doyle and Morris said that suspicion of infidelity has been an issue in their relationships.
“He has that little bit of insecurity,” Morris said. “At times, he feels I’m going to be looking for someone better.”

Morris stated that his partner’s friends often suspect Morris of fooling around and possibly leaving him.

“Everyone refers to me as ‘the 20 year old,’” Morris said.

“You shouldn’t judge a book by its cover because every relationship is different,” Hertlein said. She added that just because a relationship appears to be healthy at face-value does not mean it couldn’t be quite the opposite.

Finding support is the first thing to do if you find yourself in a committed age-gap relationship, Hertlein said.

“There has to be a level of respect for people making their own decisions,” Hertlein said. “Support people as people.”

Students in relationships of any kind can find masters level marriage and family therapy on campus. Consultations are free and available to students all week. All masters students are observed by faculty of the UNLV Department of Marriage and Family Therapy.

ON THE WEB:

UNLV Department of Marriage and Family Therapy: mft.unlv.edu